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Someone in POST-PRODUCTION realizes they forgot the TRACKING WHITE DOT INTRO in order that it gets hastily tacked on without linking to anything.
DANIEL CRAIG trails a VILLAIN into a BUILDING.
Holy shit THATS dull. Hm, Ill put in a Birdman-style looooong tracking shot, and provide Daniel a nameless fucktoy-du-jour to blow off, thatll make it better!
And now an exceptional example of superspy James Bond actually performing some spying.
DANIEL shoots a BOMB which CAUSES THE BUILDING TO EXPLODE and FALL ON HIM, killing HUNDREDS OF INNOCENT PEOPLE IN THE STREETS BELOW most importantly JAMES BOND SURVIVES!
Welp, seems as if my work here's done.
The BAD GUY gets within a HELICOPTER!
Ah, the classic Bond-villain mistake: providing good reason to use my unparalleled vehicular-mayhem powers!
DANIEL kicks the BAD GUY outside the HELICOPTER, so the PILOT while he is an IDIOT, but for the last second DANIEL remembers he's of course a BRILLIANT HELICOPTER PILOT and smoothly flies off to the INTRO SEQUENCE.
The standard-issue IMPRESSIONISTIC TITLE SEQUENCE gets spiced track of some CREEPY TENTACLE PORN simply to see if youre focusing.
All the earlier tropes are suffocating;
We pray good casting will prevail;
INT. RALPH FIENNESS OFFICE
Sorry about this totally accidental movie-opening action set piece, sir. Wont happen again. Seriously, then movie Im fucking done.
Oh God, really? You werent upon an official mission, youre going rogue? Why does every fucking spy movie nowadays must be going rogue or perhaps the agencys destroyed or whatnot? The organizing portion of spy organizations is IMPORTANT, DAMMIT!!
Fuck it, whatever. Heres the revolutionary government guy, hes Andrew Scott who played Moriarty on Sherlock and it is obviously evil.
And heres your own assignment. I hope you saw Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation, because is exact same fucking plot though a less interesting female lead. Yay us!
Suddenly NAOMIE MONEYPENNY HARRIS is able to PRY HERSELF away from the SECRETARY DESK she was GLUED TO in the end of the past movie.
Daniel, youre back! I have a package to suit your needs, its various components of SKYFALL that were burnt and torn and thrown randomly inside a box, a shockingly similar process to how this movie was written.
Thanks. You should know, Judi Dench left me a video nevertheless killing Mexico Bad Guy would eliminate the head of SPECTRE. Why she didnРІt mention that when she was alive isn't for mere mortals like us to know.
INT. Q DIVISION - NEXT MORNING
DANIEL CRAIGS SMUG-ASS SMIRK saunters into Q DIVISION and finally the REST OF DANIEL CRAIG follows suit.
Ah, so !, 007. Im about to inject nanobots into the blood and then we can track your movements, and inject another dose in your sperm and then we can track wholl be required therapy and/or funeral arrangements.
Nice. Can I require a few syringes of these to inject my enemies with? Itd be awesome to find out exactly where these are at all times. In case, say, they sneak on the same train as me.
Dont be silly. Now over here's an awesome new car which you also cant have. But you DO have this watch. The alarms a bit loud, once you know what I mean.
I do. In fact, from a inflection Ive determined what it does, how you can arm it, and in addition what the delay timer is placed to. Now can you mind not tracking me for several days?
I cant, Id be going against direct orders and can be found doing treason and-
To repay BEN for his loyalty, and observe after his cover of just biding his time following orders, DANIEL proceeds to STEAL THE FUCK out from the NEW EXPENSIVE SPY CAR that also advances his third goal of BEING A TOTAL FUCKING ASSHOLE.
DANIEL would go to MEXICO BAD GUYS funeral and finds MONICA BELLUCCI!
A Bond Girl whos actually pretty all-around James Bonds age? Intriguing. So, will you come here often?
To my husbands funeral? Get lost, you Patrick Bateman motherfucker.
MONICA goes home and stands by her POOL. Two HITMEN appear behind her!
Um, so are we really not expected to notice Daniel Craig standing directly between us, out in the open?
I should hate you. With my better half dead, playing is now forfeit. Of course my killers helpfully waited before you could get here, however.
Well then. Youve got absolutely no reason not to figure out everything, so remember to.
Of course. Heres and you'll discover the individuals who wanted me dead.
Cut! Great work guys. Now carry out the scene again, with a similar line readings and facial expressions, but additionally fuck.
INT. SECRET SPOOKY SPECTRE SUMMIT
DANIEL flashes the SPECTRE RING he took from THE GUY SPECTRE KNOWS IS DEAD and walks in to the meeting happening.
So to conclude, Operation Starbucks Sacrilege and Operation Baby Hitler are very on schedule. Whats next about the agenda?
We need a person to replace Mexico Bad Guy as Head of Latin American Evil. The position requires superior organizational skills, extensive criminal contacts, and long-term strategic planning ability, therefore, if anyone interested could submit their resume to-
We werent expecting you, Mr. Blofeld! Welcome to-
What?! No! IРІm totally not Blofeld why can you think IРІm Blofeld i'm michael duivis Franz Deutschland Volkswagon the Third I donРІt be aware who Blofeld is thatРІs silly.
Hmm, an acclaimed villain actor enters the James Bond franchise because shadowy head of SPECTRE, the identical year the protection under the law to the Blofeld character reverted to MGM. Who can you possibly be?
What I am, is thrilled that Daniel walked straight to our trap! Get him!!
DANIEL demolishes TWO RANDOM GOOBERS and runs towards his TOTALLY UNGUARDED CAR while many OTHER GOONS shoot at him from SEVEN HUNDRED FEET AWAY.
What can I say, we suck at traps.
Why are the guards even wanting to shoot me should you have an elaborate decide to keep me alive?
I dunno, why are you running away when youre gonna walk right back into my lair later?
I think we realize the answer to BOTH those questions is the fact we need a protracted car commercial, er, chase.
DANIEL DRIVES OFF! DAVE BAUTISTA DRIVES AFTER HIM! DANIEL DRIVES and DAVE DRIVES and so they DRIVE AND DRIVE AND DRIVE and drive and drive and drive and drive and driving and drive and drive some other until finally DANIEL calls up NAOMIE beyond sheer fucking boredom.
Please figure out youre doing something more interesting, like cooking dinner or watching ice melt.
Ill fare best than that! By giving you new information mid-chase, you can distract the viewers from knowing the spot that the hell I got it from!
DANIEL tries various GIMMICKS in the CAR which do NOTHING, right until working his way on the EJECT BUTTON which promises a REALLY COOL CHASE-ENDING STUNT but sadly DIRECTOR SAM MENDES chooses that moment to observe GODZILLA 2014 therefore we cut away without actually seeing the important payoff.
INT. BRITISH INTELLIGENCE HQ
Bwah ha ha. Soon these nine countries will vote to blend our spy networks, which is under my control i really enjoy seeing.
Dammit Andrew. Our single-country unaccountable shadow surveillance network is critical for safety and democracy and puppies and cake. But your NINE-country unaccountable shadow surveillance network is pure festering shit-stained evil. Me and Ben and Naomie, who're apparently the one three folks who actually DO anything around here, will eradicate you.
OH COME ON, HES NOT EVEN HERE FOR CHRISSAKE
DANIEL, who's somehow acquired a BOAT plus a NEW OUTFIT, goes toward the cabin NAOMIE told him about. It is stuffed with CAMERAS and SURVEILLANCE EQUIPMENT and as well MR WHITE on the WORST DANIEL CRAIG BOND FILM.
Oh crap, you again? Please identify I don't possess to remember so what happened in Quantum of fucking Solace.
Listen Daniel, you will need to keep my daughter safe and from all this. Ill inform you where to discover her, she will lead you to something called Lamericain.
Of course I also determine what Lamericain is, and where it really is, what what you should find there. So I could just explain to you that by leaving my daughter beyond this completely. But, yknow.
Am I seriously meant to pretend that I think Lamericain is a few assholes name, when it truly is obviously the category of some cafe or hotel somewhere called LAmericain? There is nobody called Lamericain anywhere on Earth.
Damn. With his dying breath he trusted me in reference to his daughters safety. Guess I should take two minutes to destroy the tapes downstairs with all the current info on them.
INT. SUPER EXCLUSIVE HEALTH MOUNTAINTOP SKI TREATMENT HEALTH SPA MEDICAL CLEANSE HEALTH RESORT WHATNOT PLACE HEALTH
DANIEL occurs in the office of LEA SEYDOUX.
Thanks for writing this enormous assream of forms, Mr. Bond.
No problem. And now to thoroughly blow my cover, making that time I spent completing forms a complete waste.
Fuck you and also the daddy issues you rode in on! My Dad abandoned me for being evil, but Im not evil and hate him, but I also resent him for leaving me, and you also didnt kill him if you had the prospect but you could possibly also killed him and FUCK YOU I HAVE DEPTH!
DANIEL goes seeking HARD LIQUOR in the HEALTH JUICE BAR because LOOK VODKA COMES FROM POTATOES AND GRAINS AND SHIT OKAY, IT MIGHT WORK, I NEEDS ME THAH SWEET SWEET SAUCE
One martini, shaken not stirred.
Uh, am i doing just about any spin or re-interpretation or anything on that?
Fuck no. Weve reached the stage where Bond the unexpected happens just because Bond things are likely to happen.
Surprise, its me! I tracked you down using your nanoblood. Though the fact you cunningly signed into this clinic under YOUR OWN NAME might have done equally efficiently. Now listen, 007, you'll want to abandon this foolishness or full weight of Her Majestys Government will-
Theres someone called Lamericain which I KNOW I KNOW ITS STAGGERINGLY OBVIOUSLY A CAFE OR HOTEL SOMEWHERE but please help me pretend it is just not? Also is it possible you analyze this SPECTRE membership ring that appears to be it originated in a Goths junk drawer circa 1993.
My God, somehow this ring links to your DNA of each villain from the past three movies, even Quantum which has become a person rather than a group, or something that is?!? Oh and many types of the DNA links to Christoph Waltz too, exactly what the hell were they been doing using this type of ring?!? Is this SPECTREs version in the toothbrush prank?
Wait, Bautista and many goons just grabbed Lea! Its chase time!!
DANIEL steals a PLANE and simply KEEPS CRASHING THE FUCK OUT OF IT until DANIEL WINS!!
Wow, everyones dead or comatose except me!
Guess I should take two minutes to be sure all the crooks are finished off.
totes dead and completely not likely to reappear on this picture OH WAIT HES WAKING UP DUN DUN DUN!
EXT. HOT CLIMATE CITY SO AS TO CONTRAST WITH PREVIOUS COLD CLIMATE LOCATION
Youd believe that almost dying from poisoned booze in Casino Royale would teach you not to ever randomly drink shit you find within a villains hideout.
Now as your Dad wanted us ahead here, in order to find the information we'd like to make you stay safe, obviously he ALSO mentioned the actual key room.
Of course! It would be fucktacularly idiotic if he didnt.
They utilize SECRET ROOM to search for the location from the SPECTRE HIDEOUT!
INT. BRITISH INTELLIGENCE HQ
ANDREW SCOTT disbands RALPHS entire spy organization, SHITS in the TEA, and rigs his NETFLIX account to indicate only WRATH OF THE TITANS.
INT. TRAIN EN ROUTE TO SUPER SECRET SPECTRE SANCTUARY - - DINING CAR
DANIEL in the FANCY NEW FITTED TUX meets with LEA in their own ELEGANT NEW EVENING GOWN.
No really, the spot that the hell are typically these clothes via?
Welcome. Todays special is salmon truffle fettucine that has a white wine demiglaze. The soup is leek and onion, but perhaps I can first present an amuse-bouche of DAVE BAUTISTA WAILING ON YOUR SORRY ASS
DAVE BAUTISTA rushes in and WAILS ON DANIEL CRAIGS SORRY ASS, demolishing HALF THE TRAIN without other PASSENGERS or CREW acquiring it the way or noticing or giving a shit or existing. Finally LEA SHOOTS him, giving DANIEL time for you to attach DAVE to many BARRELS that turn a CRANK that turns a GEAR that knocks more than a BUCKET which hits a BATHTUB that pivots a SEESAW that drops a CAGE that THROWS DAVE OFF THE TRAIN!
I am Groot. Wait, shit, thats not-
Weve gone to much time without fucking! Someone fuck!
How regarding it Lea? Care to re-enact Blue could be the Warmest Color?
Consider my Safe Search off!
EXT. DESOLATE DESERT TRAIN STATION - NEXT MORNING
CRAIG and LEA casually disembark in addition to their brand new nine-piece luggage set.
Wait wait wait we've got LUGGAGE?!? Where and how and why so when did we are fucking LUGGAGE?!
A CAR arrives and takes these phones CHRISTOPHS LAIR, and that is PERFECTLY HIDDEN in the SIDE and TOTALLY NOT HIDDEN AT ALL from ABOVE, so lucky for SPECTRE that SPY SATELLITES dont exist.
INT. STEVE JOBS TRIBUTE ROOM
It was me, Daniel. The author coming from all your pain. Everything is connected.
How exactly? Other than you turning up and saying so, I mean.
IT JUST IS OKAY. You think its a coincidence all of your women turn out dead?
Well not Olga Kurylenko, the truth is we still exchange postcards and execute a Skype chat every Christmas. Oh, knowning that Mexican girl in the cold open remains alive.
You think youre so smart. But suppose I explain to you both the tape of Leas Dad killing himself?
INT. BRITISH INTELLIGENCE HQ
ANDREW SCOTT dumps WET CEREAL around RALPHS HEAD, then KICKS him in the BALLS.
INT. INEVITABLE TORTURE SEQUENCE
DANIEL awakens to get he has been strapped into a DENTISTРІS CHAIR while CHRISTOPH and also a TOTALLY UNRESTRAINED LEA sit nearby.
Im gonna fry your brain on this crazy elaborate dentist drill, hee hee! But do not, the first few attempts is going to be test runs that utterly no damage.
Jokes giving you, wanker. Most of my thoughs died from alcohol poisoning years back.
Fine, Ill skip ahead to my big reveal.
My KHAAAANN sorry JOHN ROBIN BLAAAAKE shit MONEYPENNN goddamnit BLOFELD!!! Ernst Stavro Blofeld, back from legal purgatory baby! Sure Im basically Javier Bardems character across again, but IРІm totally Blofeld. I also have a cat along with a Nehru collar.
Quick obtain the smelling salts, Im soooo stunned.
Oh, not twisty enough? Well IРІm also James BondРІs adopted brother abruptly. Yes, by complete coincidence the worldРІs greatest villain and superspy happened for being raised by precisely the same random German ski instructor. Go figure.
Well it has been one big letdown. You donРІt also have a scar. Lea, if youd oblige?
LEA chucks DANIELS EXPLODING WATCH at CHRISTOPH which TOTALLY KILLS HIM FOR SURE ABSOLUTELY. DANIEL is suddenly FREE for reasons uknown and the two ESCAPE by shooting exactly ONE PIPE which in turn causes literally the ENTIRE BASE to EXPLODE.
Workplace safety standards will not apply to evil desert bases, it seems like.
Yup, nothingРІs more villainous than getting your whole base detonate if an individual guard throws a cigarette in to the wrong potted plant.
DANIEL and LEA rendezvous with RALPH THE GANG.
Right, time we finally synergy to stop Christoph and Andrew. Step one, lets get separate and cope with them separately.
Also, I think nows the best the perfect time to break with you, Daniel, and go wandering some dark alleys while both Big Bads are still about the loose.
Sounds being a plan! Go team!
CUE: JAMES BOND THEME, HEY REMEMBER WHEN CASINO ROYALE USED THE THEME EXACTLY ONE-AND-A-HALF TIMES? AH, MEMORIES
The SPY TEAM drives out and sure enough a TRUCK smashes into them and GOONS grab DANIEL! The others GET AWAY and go confront ANDREW SCOTT.
Mwah ha, youre in its final stages. Look, Ive got a crazy elaborate countdown using a computer screen, nobody has EVER stopped one particular! Weve won!
Not so quickly. You see, by disbanding OUR organization youve made us ALL rogue agents, and therefore, unstoppable!
You said my codename M stood for Moron. Well now could what your codename C is short for.
The entire theatre is waiting for you personally to say Cunt, it becomes clear that.
Cocksucker? Choad? Cumstain? Crap-chugger? Chickenshit? Colonface?
Gosh, thats all much better than what I came program. Lets just fight.
RALPH and ANDREW fight like OLD-TIMEY VAUDVILLIANS until ANDREW finally slips on the BANANA PEEL and falls off a LEDGE.
Meanwhile BEN WISHAW does TYPING and deals with everything surveillance network bullshit.
EXT. OLD BLOWN-UP SECRET AGENT BUILDING
DANIEL kills his GOON CAPTORS and faces the structure.
DANIEL follows some giant arrows that lead to your display of CHRISTOPHS EVIL SCRAPBOOKING SKILLS.
Yes yes, its all fucking connected, WE GET IT.
Hey I used to work here. I should know this place inside and outside, as opposed to following the arrows I should sneak around to where Christoph wont expect-
Sorry, Im behind bulletproof glass! I guess were postponing our big final mano-a-mano fight simply a LIIIIITTLE longer, then keep postponing it, so it never happens. Hey look, I have the Blofeld scar now!
Dont get cocky. You cant think Ill enable you to just Waltz right beyond here OH GOD IM SORRY, IM SO VERY SORRY EVERYONE
Ouch, little brother. Well, the perfect time to blow up the dwelling that got blown up last movie. Also Leas here somewhere! Im this type of impish rascal, tee hee!! And evil. Pure, menacing evil. Dont forget.
DANIEL finds LEA with MAGIC, plus they FLEE around a large part but forget to create the MOVIES POV with them therefore we just stare with a wall for any bit. The building EXPLODES!!
CUE: JAMES BOND THEME, WHY NOT
Oh look, we escaped with a boat we found somewhere? Well we could have once again cut away in the most exciting moment of this sequence, however for my final showdown with Christoph! Itll be my marksmanship against his piloting
Oh Im not flying this. Im just soaking in back. Doing nothing.
DANIEL heroically SHOOTS DOWN CHRISTOPH but heroically DOES NOT SHOOT CHRISTOPH.
Well that would it for me. No more spying, thanks. Im out.
Except the first Goldfinger Aston Martin, Id want to keep that expensive bit of government hardware please.
Fuck no, if you are retiring it could be utterly irresponsible folks to-
INT. BONUS SCENE - - Q DIVISION - - LATE AT NIGHT
Hard at your workplace, BEN looks up in surprise.
Oh, 009! I wasnt expecting you, purchased in.
Okay that didnt happen BUT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN FUCKING AWESOME.
Someone in POST-PRODUCTION realizes they forgot the TRACKING WHITE DOT INTRO thus it gets hastily tacked on without linking to anything.
DANIEL CRAIG trails a VILLAIN to your BUILDING.
Holy shit THATS dull. Hm, Ill include a Birdman-style looooong tracking shot, and provides Daniel a nameless fucktoy-du-jour to blow off, thatll repair it!
And now an uncommon example of superspy James Bond actually performing some spying.
DANIEL shoots a BOMB which CAUSES THE BUILDING TO EXPLODE and FALL ON HIM, killing HUNDREDS OF INNOCENT PEOPLE IN THE STREETS BELOW but many importantly JAMES BOND SURVIVES!
Welp, seems like my work we have found done.
The BAD GUY gets inside a HELICOPTER!
Ah, the classic Bond-villain mistake: providing grounds to use my unparalleled vehicular-mayhem powers!
DANIEL kicks the BAD GUY outside the HELICOPTER, therefore the PILOT as he is an IDIOT, but in the last second DANIEL remembers he or she is of course a BRILLIANT HELICOPTER PILOT and smoothly flies off in to the INTRO SEQUENCE.
The standard-issue IMPRESSIONISTIC TITLE SEQUENCE gets spiced track of some CREEPY TENTACLE PORN to see if youre concentrating.
All that old tropes are suffocating;
We pray good casting will prevail;
INT. RALPH FIENNESS OFFICE
Sorry with that totally accidental movie-opening action set piece, sir. Wont happen again. Seriously, after that movie Im fucking done.
Oh God, really? You werent with an official mission, youre going rogue? Why does every fucking spy movie nowadays ought to be going rogue and the agencys destroyed or whatnot? The organizing a part of spy organizations is IMPORTANT, DAMMIT!!
Fuck it, whatever. Heres the brand new government guy, hes Andrew Scott who played Moriarty on Sherlock and is also obviously evil.
And heres your assignment. I hope you saw Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation, because it is the exact same fucking plot but a less interesting female lead. Yay us!
Suddenly NAOMIE MONEYPENNY HARRIS is able to PRY HERSELF from the SECRETARY DESK she was GLUED TO with the end of the very last movie.
Daniel, youre back! I have a package in your case, its various waste SKYFALL which were burnt and torn and thrown randomly in the box, a shockingly similar process to how this movie was written.
Thanks. You should know, Judi Dench left me a video stating that killing Mexico Bad Guy would get rid of the head of SPECTRE. Why she didnt mention that when she was alive isn't for mere mortals like us to be aware of.
INT. Q DIVISION - NEXT MORNING
DANIEL CRAIGS SMUG-ASS SMIRK saunters into Q DIVISION and in the end the REST OF DANIEL CRAIG follows suit.
Ah, bam !, 007. Im gonna inject nanobots into the blood therefore we can track your movements, and inject another dose into the sperm and then we can track wholl be required therapy and/or funeral arrangements.
Nice. Can I have a few syringes of these to inject my enemies with? Itd be awesome to find out exactly where they're at all times. In case, say, they sneak into the same train as me.
Dont be silly. Now over this is an awesome new car which you also cant have. But you DO have this watch. The alarms slightly loud, once you discover what I mean.
I do. In fact, out of your inflection Ive worked out what it does, how you can arm it, and in addition what the delay timer is defined to. Now do you mind not tracking me for a holiday?
I cant, Id be going against direct orders and can be found liable for treason and-
To repay BEN for his loyalty, and gaze after his cover of just biding his time following orders, DANIEL proceeds to STEAL THE FUCK out of your NEW EXPENSIVE SPY CAR this advances his third goal of BEING A TOTAL FUCKING ASSHOLE.
DANIEL goes toward MEXICO BAD GUYS funeral and finds MONICA BELLUCCI!
A Bond Girl whos actually pretty near James Bonds age? Intriguing. So, can you come here often?
To my husbands funeral? Get lost, you Patrick Bateman motherfucker.
MONICA goes home and stands by her POOL. Two HITMEN appear behind her!
Um, so are we really not expected to notice Daniel Craig standing directly between us, out in the open?
I should hate you. With my partner dead, my entire life is now forfeit. Of course my killers helpfully waited unless you could get here, but nonetheless.
Well then. Youve got no reason at all not to identify everything, so remember to.
Of course. Heres to find the folks who wanted me dead.
Cut! Great work guys. Now perform scene again, with a similar line readings and facial expressions, and also fuck.
INT. SECRET SPOOKY SPECTRE SUMMIT
DANIEL flashes the SPECTRE RING he took from THE GUY SPECTRE KNOWS IS DEAD and walks in to the meeting beginning.
So in summary, Operation Starbucks Sacrilege and Operation Baby Hitler are very on schedule. Whats next around the agenda?
We need a person to replace Mexico Bad Guy as Head of Latin American Evil. The position requires superior organizational skills, extensive criminal contacts, and long-term strategic planning ability, therefore anyone interested could submit their resume to-
We werent expecting you, Mr. Blofeld! Welcome to-
What?! No! Im totally not Blofeld why do you think Im Blofeld la and orange county Franz Deutschland Volkswagon the Third I dont be aware who Blofeld is thats silly.
Hmm, an acclaimed villain actor enters the James Bond franchise because the shadowy head of SPECTRE, a similar year the protection under the law to the Blofeld character reverted to MGM. Who can you possibly be?
What I am, is thrilled that Daniel walked directly into our trap! Get him!!
DANIEL demolishes TWO RANDOM GOOBERS and runs towards his TOTALLY UNGUARDED CAR while many OTHER GOONS shoot at him from SEVEN HUNDRED FEET AWAY.
What can I say, we suck at traps.
Why will be the guards even seeking to shoot me for those who have an elaborate prefer to keep me alive?
I dunno, why are you running away when youre likely to walk right back into my lair later?
I think could the answer to BOTH those questions is we need a long car commercial, er, chase.
DANIEL DRIVES OFF! DAVE BAUTISTA DRIVES AFTER HIM! DANIEL DRIVES and DAVE DRIVES and so they DRIVE AND DRIVE AND DRIVE and drive and drive and drive and drive whilst keeping driving and drive and drive even more until finally DANIEL calls up NAOMIE outside of sheer fucking boredom.
Please figure out youre doing something more interesting, like cooking dinner or watching ice melt.
Ill fare better than that! By giving you new information mid-chase, we could distract the crowd from knowing the place that the hell I got it from!
DANIEL tries various GIMMICKS in the CAR which do NOTHING, right up until working his way to your EJECT BUTTON which promises a REALLY COOL CHASE-ENDING STUNT but sadly DIRECTOR SAM MENDES chooses that moment to observe GODZILLA 2014 and we all cut away without actually seeing the fundamental payoff.
INT. BRITISH INTELLIGENCE HQ
Bwah ha ha. Soon these nine countries will vote to blend our spy networks, that will be under my control i really enjoy seeing.
Dammit Andrew. Our single-country unaccountable shadow surveillance network is essential for safety and democracy and puppies and cake. But your NINE-country unaccountable shadow surveillance network is pure festering shit-stained evil. Me and Ben and Naomie, whorrrre apparently really the only three individuals who actually DO anything around here, will eradicate you.
OH COME ON, HES NOT EVEN HERE FOR CHRISSAKE
DANIEL, who's somehow acquired a BOAT along with a NEW OUTFIT, travels to the cabin NAOMIE told him about. It is filled with CAMERAS and SURVEILLANCE EQUIPMENT plus MR WHITE in the WORST DANIEL CRAIG BOND FILM.
Oh crap, you again? Please let me know I lack to remember so what happened in Quantum of fucking Solace.
Listen Daniel, you have to keep my daughter safe and clear of all this. Ill let you know where to seek out her, she will lead you to something called Lamericain.
Of course I also know very well what Lamericain is, and where it can be, and what you must find there. So I could just inform you that leaving my daughter from this completely. But, yknow.
Am I seriously meant to pretend that I think Lamericain is really a assholes name, when it really is obviously the some cafe or hotel somewhere called LAmericain? There is nobody called Lamericain anywhere on Earth.
Damn. With his dying breath he trusted me in reference to his daughters safety. Guess I should take two minutes to destroy the tapes downstairs considering the info on them.
INT. SUPER EXCLUSIVE HEALTH MOUNTAINTOP SKI TREATMENT HEALTH SPA MEDICAL CLEANSE HEALTH RESORT WHATNOT PLACE HEALTH
DANIEL appears in the office of LEA SEYDOUX.
Thanks for writing this enormous assream of forms, Mr. Bond.
No problem. And now to thoroughly blow my cover, making that time I spent completing forms a full waste.
Fuck you plus the daddy issues you rode in on! My Dad abandoned me for being evil, but Im not evil and hate him, but I also resent him for leaving me, and you also didnt kill him whenever you had the opportunity but you may also killed him and FUCK YOU I HAVE DEPTH!
DANIEL goes seeking HARD LIQUOR on the HEALTH JUICE BAR because LOOK VODKA COMES FROM POTATOES AND GRAINS AND SHIT OKAY, IT MIGHT WORK, I NEEDS ME THAH SWEET SWEET SAUCE
One martini, shaken not stirred.
Uh, so are we doing virtually any spin or re-interpretation or anything on that?
Fuck no. Weve reached where Bond the unexpected happens just because Bond things are expected to happen.
Surprise, its me! I tracked you down using your nanoblood. Though the fact you cunningly signed into this clinic under YOUR OWN NAME might have done equally efficiently. Now listen, 007, you should abandon this foolishness or even the full weight of Her Majestys Government will-
Theres someone called Lamericain which I KNOW I KNOW ITS STAGGERINGLY OBVIOUSLY A CAFE OR HOTEL SOMEWHERE but please help me pretend it is just not? Also is it possible you analyze this SPECTRE membership ring that appears to be it originated from a Goths junk drawer circa 1993.
My God, somehow this ring links for the DNA of each and every villain from the final three movies, even Quantum which is currently a person and never a group, as well?!? Oh and all sorts of the DNA links to Christoph Waltz too, the hell dermatologist been doing using this type of ring?!? Is this SPECTREs version from the toothbrush prank?
Wait, Bautista plus some goons just grabbed Lea! Its chase time!!
DANIEL steals a PLANE and merely KEEPS CRASHING THE FUCK OUT OF IT until DANIEL WINS!!
Wow, everyones dead or comatose except me!
Guess I should take two minutes to ensure all the crooks are finished off.
totes dead and completely not likely to reappear with this picture OH WAIT HES WAKING UP DUN DUN DUN!
EXT. HOT CLIMATE CITY SO AS TO CONTRAST WITH PREVIOUS COLD CLIMATE LOCATION
Youd believe that almost dying from poisoned booze in Casino Royale would teach you never to randomly drink shit you find within a villains hideout.
Now as your Dad wanted us ahead here, and look for the information we'd like to help keep you safe, obviously he ALSO mentioned the trick room.
Of course! It would be fucktacularly idiotic if he didnt.
They makes use of the SECRET ROOM to get the location from the SPECTRE HIDEOUT!
INT. BRITISH INTELLIGENCE HQ
ANDREW SCOTT disbands RALPHS entire spy organization, SHITS in their TEA, and rigs his NETFLIX account to indicate only WRATH OF THE TITANS.
INT. TRAIN EN ROUTE TO SUPER SECRET SPECTRE SANCTUARY - - DINING CAR
DANIEL in the FANCY NEW FITTED TUX meets track of LEA in the ELEGANT NEW EVENING GOWN.
No really, the location where the hell are typical these clothes originating from?
Welcome. Todays special is salmon truffle fettucine that has a white wine demiglaze. The soup is leek and onion, but perhaps I can first provide an amuse-bouche of DAVE BAUTISTA WAILING ON YOUR SORRY ASS
DAVE BAUTISTA rushes in and WAILS ON DANIEL CRAIGS SORRY ASS, demolishing HALF THE TRAIN with virtually no other PASSENGERS or CREW getting back in the way or noticing or giving a shit or existing. Finally LEA SHOOTS him, giving DANIEL time for you to attach DAVE into a BARRELS that turn a CRANK that turns a GEAR that knocks on the BUCKET which can hit a BATHTUB that pivots a SEESAW that drops a CAGE that THROWS DAVE OFF THE TRAIN!
I am Groot. Wait, shit, thats not-
Weve gone long without fucking! Someone fuck!
How regarding it Lea? Care to re-enact Blue would be the Warmest Color?
Consider my Safe Search off!
EXT. DESOLATE DESERT TRAIN STATION - NEXT MORNING
CRAIG and LEA casually disembark in addition to their brand new nine-piece luggage set.
Wait wait wait we now have LUGGAGE?!? Where and how and why then when did we are fucking LUGGAGE?!
A CAR arrives and takes the crooks to CHRISTOPHS LAIR, that's PERFECTLY HIDDEN in the SIDE and TOTALLY NOT HIDDEN AT ALL from ABOVE, so lucky for SPECTRE that SPY SATELLITES dont exist.
INT. STEVE JOBS TRIBUTE ROOM
It was me, Daniel. The author of the your pain. Everything is connected.
How exactly? Other than you turning up and saying so, I mean.
IT JUST IS OKAY. You think its a coincidence your women turn out dead?
Well not Olga Kurylenko, the truth is we still exchange postcards and complete a Skype chat every Christmas. Oh, and this Mexican girl through the cold open continues to be alive.
You think youre so smart. But suppose I demonstrate both the tape of Leas Dad killing himself?
INT. BRITISH INTELLIGENCE HQ
ANDREW SCOTT dumps WET CEREAL everywhere RALPHS HEAD, then KICKS him in the actual BALLS.
INT. INEVITABLE TORTURE SEQUENCE
DANIEL awakens to seek out he has been strapped with a DENTISTS CHAIR while CHRISTOPH along with a TOTALLY UNRESTRAINED LEA sit nearby.
Im about to fry your brain with this particular crazy elaborate dentist drill, hee hee! But take it easy, the first few attempts will likely be test runs who do utterly no damage.
Jokes giving you, wanker. Most of my thoughs died from alcohol poisoning years back.
Fine, Ill skip ahead to my big reveal.
My KHAAAANN sorry JOHN ROBIN BLAAAAKE shit MONEYPENNN goddamnit BLOFELD!!! Ernst Stavro Blofeld, back from legal purgatory baby! Sure Im basically Javier Bardems character across again, but Im totally Blofeld. I actually have a cat and also a Nehru collar.
Quick receive the smelling salts, Im soooo stunned.
Oh, not twisty enough? Well Im also James Bonds adopted brother instantly. Yes, by complete coincidence the worlds greatest villain and superspy happened to become raised by exactly the same random German ski instructor. Go figure.
Well it's been one big letdown. You dont also have a scar. Lea, if youd oblige?
LEA chucks DANIELS EXPLODING WATCH at CHRISTOPH which TOTALLY KILLS HIM FOR SURE ABSOLUTELY. DANIEL is suddenly FREE i really enjoy seeing and the two ESCAPE by shooting exactly ONE PIPE that causes literally the ENTIRE BASE to EXPLODE.
Workplace safety standards don't apply to evil desert bases, it seems like.
Yup, nothings more villainous than getting your whole base detonate if someone guard throws a cigarette into your wrong potted plant.
DANIEL and LEA rendezvous with RALPH THE GANG.
Right, time we finally form teams to stop Christoph and Andrew. Step one, lets get broken up and take care of them separately.
Also, I think nows the best time for it to break track of you, Daniel, and go wandering some dark alleys while both Big Bads are still within the loose.
Sounds just like a plan! Go team!
CUE: JAMES BOND THEME, HEY REMEMBER WHEN CASINO ROYALE USED THE THEME EXACTLY ONE-AND-A-HALF TIMES? AH, MEMORIES
The SPY TEAM drives out and sure enough a TRUCK smashes into them and GOONS grab DANIEL! The others GET AWAY and go confront ANDREW SCOTT.
Mwah ha, youre past too far. Look, Ive got a crazy elaborate countdown over a computer screen, nobody has EVER stopped among those! Weve won!
Not so quickly. You see, by disbanding OUR organization youve made us ALL rogue agents, so because of this, unstoppable!
You said my codename M stood for Moron. Well now we all know what your codename C symbolizes.
The entire theatre is waiting for you personally to say Cunt, you realize.
Cocksucker? Choad? Cumstain? Crap-chugger? Chickenshit? Colonface?
Gosh, thats all much better than what I came with. Lets just fight.
RALPH and ANDREW fight like OLD-TIMEY VAUDVILLIANS until ANDREW finally slips using a BANANA PEEL and falls off a LEDGE.
Meanwhile BEN WISHAW does TYPING and deals with all of that surveillance network bullshit.
EXT. OLD BLOWN-UP SECRET AGENT BUILDING
DANIEL kills his GOON CAPTORS and faces your building.
DANIEL follows some giant arrows that lead with a display of CHRISTOPHS EVIL SCRAPBOOKING SKILLS.
Yes yes, its all fucking connected, WE GET IT.
Hey I used to work here. I should know this place in and out, rather then following the arrows I should sneak around to where Christoph wont expect-
Sorry, Im behind bulletproof glass! I guess were postponing our big final mano-a-mano fight merely a LIIIIITTLE longer, and after that keep postponing it, so it never happens. Hey look, I have the Blofeld scar now!
Dont get cocky. You cant think Ill enable you to just Waltz right away from here OH GOD IM SORRY, IM SO VERY SORRY EVERYONE
Ouch, little brother. Well, time and energy to blow up the dwelling that got blown up last movie. Also Leas here somewhere! Im this type of impish rascal, tee hee!! And evil. Pure, menacing evil. Dont forget.
DANIEL finds LEA with MAGIC, and in addition they FLEE around most but forget to take the MOVIES POV with them and then we just stare for a wall for any bit. The building EXPLODES!!
CUE: JAMES BOND THEME, WHY NOT
Oh look, we escaped using a boat we found somewhere? Well we can have once again cut away on the most exciting moment of their sequence, however for my final showdown with Christoph! Itll be my marksmanship against his piloting
Oh Im not flying this. Im just being placed in back. Doing nothing.
DANIEL heroically SHOOTS DOWN CHRISTOPH but heroically DOES NOT SHOOT CHRISTOPH.
Well that can it for me. No more spying, thanks. Im out.
Except the first Goldfinger Aston Martin, Id love to keep that expensive part of government hardware please.
Fuck no, if you are retiring it could be utterly irresponsible individuals to-
INT. BONUS SCENE - - Q DIVISION - - LATE AT NIGHT
Hard at the office, BEN looks up in surprise.
Oh, 009! I wasnt expecting you, purchased in.
Okay that didnt happen BUT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN FUCKING AWESOME.
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