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Someone in POST-PRODUCTION realizes they forgot the TRACKING WHITE DOT INTRO in order that it gets hastily tacked on without linking to anything.
DANIEL CRAIG trails a VILLAIN with a BUILDING.
Holy shit THATS dull. Hm, Ill include a Birdman-style looooong tracking shot, and provides Daniel a nameless fucktoy-du-jour to blow off, thatll make it better!
And now an uncommon example of superspy James Bond actually performing some spying.
DANIEL shoots a BOMB which CAUSES THE BUILDING TO EXPLODE and FALL ON HIM, killing HUNDREDS OF INNOCENT PEOPLE IN THE STREETS BELOW most importantly JAMES BOND SURVIVES!
Welp, appears like my work this is done.
The BAD GUY gets inside a HELICOPTER!
Ah, the classic Bond-villain mistake: providing an excuse to use my unparalleled vehicular-mayhem powers!
DANIEL kicks the BAD GUY outside the HELICOPTER, therefore the PILOT as he is an IDIOT, but in the last second DANIEL remembers he's of course a BRILLIANT HELICOPTER PILOT and smoothly flies off to the INTRO SEQUENCE.
The standard-issue IMPRESSIONISTIC TITLE SEQUENCE gets spiced with some CREEPY TENTACLE PORN simply to see if youre attending to.
All the existing tropes are suffocating;
We pray good casting will prevail;
INT. RALPH FIENNESS OFFICE
Sorry that totally accidental movie-opening action set piece, sir. Wont happen again. Seriously, then movie Im fucking done.
Oh God, really? You werent with an official mission, youre going rogue? Why does every fucking spy movie nowadays must be going rogue or perhaps the agencys destroyed or whatnot? The organizing section of spy organizations is IMPORTANT, DAMMIT!!
Fuck it, whatever. Heres the modern government guy, hes Andrew Scott who played Moriarty on Sherlock and is particularly obviously evil.
And heres your own assignment. I hope you saw Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation, because it will be the exact same fucking plot though a less interesting female lead. Yay us!
Suddenly NAOMIE MONEYPENNY HARRIS is able to PRY HERSELF away from the SECRETARY DESK she was GLUED TO with the end of the very last movie.
Daniel, youre back! I have a package in your case, its various bits of SKYFALL that were burnt and torn and thrown randomly inside a box, a shockingly similar process to how this movie was written.
Thanks. You should know, Judi Dench left me a video nevertheless killing Mexico Bad Guy would get rid of the head of SPECTRE. Why she didnРІt mention that when she was alive just isn't for mere mortals like us to be aware of.
INT. Q DIVISION - NEXT MORNING
DANIEL CRAIGS SMUG-ASS SMIRK saunters into Q DIVISION and in the end the REST OF DANIEL CRAIG follows suit.
Ah, so !, 007. Im likely to inject nanobots to your blood and we can track your movements, and inject another dose in your sperm and we all can track wholl need therapy and/or funeral arrangements.
Nice. Can I have a few syringes of the to inject my enemies with? Itd be awesome to learn exactly where they can be at all times. In case, say, they sneak on top of the same train as me.
Dont be silly. Now over the following is an awesome new car that you just also cant have. But you DO understand watch. The alarms a bit loud, once you discover what I mean.
I do. In fact, out of your inflection Ive worked out what it does, the way to arm it, as well as what the delay timer is placed to. Now can you mind not tracking me for a holiday?
I cant, Id be going against direct orders and can be found accountable for treason and-
To repay BEN for his loyalty, and gaze after his cover of just biding his time following orders, DANIEL proceeds to STEAL THE FUCK from the NEW EXPENSIVE SPY CAR that also advances his third goal of BEING A TOTAL FUCKING ASSHOLE.
DANIEL visits MEXICO BAD GUYS funeral and finds MONICA BELLUCCI!
A Bond Girl whos actually pretty all-around James Bonds age? Intriguing. So, would you come here often?
To my husbands funeral? Get lost, you Patrick Bateman motherfucker.
MONICA goes home and stands by her POOL. Two HITMEN appear behind her!
Um, shall we be really not expected to notice Daniel Craig standing directly between us, out in the open?
I should hate you. With my better half dead, my entire life is now forfeit. Of course my killers helpfully waited unless you could get here, yet still.
Well then. Youve got no reason at all not to figure out everything, so remember to.
Of course. Heres and you'll discover the people that wanted me dead.
Cut! Great work guys. Now perform scene again, with the exact same line readings and facial expressions, but fuck.
INT. SECRET SPOOKY SPECTRE SUMMIT
DANIEL flashes the SPECTRE RING he took from THE GUY SPECTRE KNOWS IS DEAD and walks in to the meeting happening.
So in conclusion, Operation Starbucks Sacrilege and Operation Baby Hitler are very on schedule. Whats next around the agenda?
We need you to definitely replace Mexico Bad Guy as Head of Latin American Evil. The position requires superior organizational skills, extensive criminal contacts, and long-term strategic planning ability, if anyone interested could submit their resume to-
We werent expecting you, Mr. Blofeld! Welcome to-
What?! No! IРІm totally not Blofeld why can you think IРІm Blofeld i'm Franz Deutschland Volkswagon the Third I donРІt be aware who Blofeld is thatРІs silly.
Hmm, an acclaimed villain actor enters the James Bond franchise because the shadowy head of SPECTRE, exactly the same year the rights to the Blofeld character reverted to MGM. Who is it possible you possibly be?
What I am, is thrilled that Daniel walked directly into our trap! Get him!!
DANIEL demolishes TWO RANDOM GOOBERS and runs towards his TOTALLY UNGUARDED CAR while many OTHER GOONS shoot at him from SEVEN HUNDRED FEET AWAY.
What can I say, we suck at traps.
Why will be the guards even seeking to shoot me in case you have an elaborate decide to keep me alive?
I dunno, why are you running away when youre gonna walk right back into my lair later?
I think we understand the answer to BOTH those questions is always that we need a protracted car commercial, er, chase.
DANIEL DRIVES OFF! DAVE BAUTISTA DRIVES AFTER HIM! DANIEL DRIVES and DAVE DRIVES plus they DRIVE AND DRIVE AND DRIVE and drive and drive and drive and drive and driving and drive and drive a lot more until finally DANIEL calls up NAOMIE from sheer fucking boredom.
Please inform me youre doing something more interesting, like cooking dinner or watching ice melt.
Ill fare better than that! By giving you new information mid-chase, we can easily distract the target audience from knowing the location where the hell I got it from!
DANIEL tries various GIMMICKS in the CAR which do NOTHING, right until working his way for the EJECT BUTTON which promises a REALLY COOL CHASE-ENDING STUNT but sadly DIRECTOR SAM MENDES chooses that moment to see GODZILLA 2014 and then we cut away without actually seeing the top payoff.
INT. BRITISH INTELLIGENCE HQ
Bwah ha ha. Soon these nine countries will vote to mix our spy networks, that is under my control for reasons uknown.
Dammit Andrew. Our single-country unaccountable shadow surveillance network is essential for safety and democracy and puppies and cake. But your NINE-country unaccountable shadow surveillance network is pure festering shit-stained evil. Me and Ben and Naomie, whorrrre apparently the sole three folks who actually DO anything around here, stop you.
OH COME ON, HES NOT EVEN HERE FOR CHRISSAKE
DANIEL, who may have somehow acquired a BOAT as well as a NEW OUTFIT, visits the cabin NAOMIE told him about. It is filled with CAMERAS and SURVEILLANCE EQUIPMENT and in addition MR WHITE through the WORST DANIEL CRAIG BOND FILM.
Oh crap, you again? Please identify I lack to remember so what happened in Quantum of fucking Solace.
Listen Daniel, you should keep my daughter safe and from all this. Ill explain to you where to discover her, she'll lead you to something called Lamericain.
Of course I also determine what Lamericain is, and where it can be, what what you must find there. So I could just inform you that leave my daughter outside of this completely. But, yknow.
Am I seriously expected to pretend that I think Lamericain is a assholes name, when it's obviously the naming of some cafe or hotel somewhere called LAmericain? There is nobody called Lamericain anywhere on Earth.
Damn. With his dying breath he trusted me along with his daughters safety. Guess I should take two minutes to destroy the tapes downstairs because of the info on them.
INT. SUPER EXCLUSIVE HEALTH MOUNTAINTOP SKI TREATMENT HEALTH SPA MEDICAL CLEANSE HEALTH RESORT WHATNOT PLACE HEALTH
DANIEL appears in the office of LEA SEYDOUX.
Thanks for filling in this enormous assream of forms, Mr. Bond.
No problem. And now to thoroughly blow my cover, making everything that time I spent writing forms a full waste.
Fuck you plus the daddy issues you rode in on! My Dad abandoned me to become evil, but Im not evil and hate him, but I also resent him for leaving me, therefore you didnt kill him whenever you had the prospect but perhaps you also killed him and FUCK YOU I HAVE DEPTH!
DANIEL goes in search of HARD LIQUOR for the HEALTH JUICE BAR because LOOK VODKA COMES FROM POTATOES AND GRAINS AND SHIT OKAY, IT MIGHT WORK, I NEEDS ME THAH SWEET SWEET SAUCE
One martini, shaken not stirred.
Uh, so are we doing virtually any spin or re-interpretation or anything on that?
Fuck no. Weve reached the stage where Bond the unexpected happens just because Bond things are expected to happen.
Surprise, its me! I tracked you down along with your nanoblood. Though the fact you cunningly signed into this clinic under YOUR OWN NAME could have done as well. Now listen, 007, you'll want to abandon this foolishness and the full weight of Her Majestys Government will-
Theres someone called Lamericain which I KNOW I KNOW ITS STAGGERINGLY OBVIOUSLY A CAFE OR HOTEL SOMEWHERE but please help me pretend it isn't? Also is it possible you analyze this SPECTRE membership ring that appears like it originated in a Goths junk drawer circa 1993.
My God, somehow this ring links for the DNA of the villain from a final three movies, even Quantum which has become a person but not a group, or something like that?!? Oh and all sorts of the DNA links to Christoph Waltz too, just what the hell have they been been doing on this ring?!? Is this SPECTREs version in the toothbrush prank?
Wait, Bautista and a few goons just grabbed Lea! Its chase time!!
DANIEL steals a PLANE and easily KEEPS CRASHING THE FUCK OUT OF IT until DANIEL WINS!!
Wow, everyones dead or comatose except me!
Guess I should take two minutes to make certain all the criminals are finished off.
totes dead and completely not gonna reappear with this picture OH WAIT HES WAKING UP DUN DUN DUN!
EXT. HOT CLIMATE CITY SO AS TO CONTRAST WITH PREVIOUS COLD CLIMATE LOCATION
Youd believe that almost dying from poisoned booze in Casino Royale would teach you to not randomly drink shit you find in the villains hideout.
Now when your Dad wanted us ahead here, in order to find the information we end up needing to make you stay safe, obviously he ALSO mentioned the actual key room.
Of course! It would be fucktacularly idiotic if he didnt.
They make use of the SECRET ROOM to get the location in the SPECTRE HIDEOUT!
INT. BRITISH INTELLIGENCE HQ
ANDREW SCOTT disbands RALPHS entire spy organization, SHITS as part of his TEA, and rigs his NETFLIX account to exhibit only WRATH OF THE TITANS.
INT. TRAIN EN ROUTE TO SUPER SECRET SPECTRE SANCTUARY - - DINING CAR
DANIEL in the FANCY NEW FITTED TUX meets with LEA in their own ELEGANT NEW EVENING GOWN.
No really, the spot that the hell are these clothes originating from?
Welcome. Todays special is salmon truffle fettucine that has a white wine demiglaze. The soup is leek and onion, but perhaps I can first produce an amuse-bouche of DAVE BAUTISTA WAILING ON YOUR SORRY ASS
DAVE BAUTISTA rushes in and WAILS ON DANIEL CRAIGS SORRY ASS, demolishing HALF THE TRAIN without other PASSENGERS or CREW entering the way or noticing or giving a shit or existing. Finally LEA SHOOTS him, giving DANIEL time and energy to attach DAVE with a BARRELS that turn a CRANK that turns a GEAR that knocks over the BUCKET which hits a BATHTUB that pivots a SEESAW that drops a CAGE that THROWS DAVE OFF THE TRAIN!
I am Groot. Wait, shit, thats not-
Weve gone to much time without fucking! Someone fuck!
How over it Lea? Care to re-enact Blue would be the Warmest Color?
Consider my Safe Search off!
EXT. DESOLATE DESERT TRAIN STATION - NEXT MORNING
CRAIG and LEA casually disembark with their brand new nine-piece luggage set.
Wait wait wait we have now LUGGAGE?!? Where and how and why when did we obtain fucking LUGGAGE?!
A CAR arrives and takes the crooks to CHRISTOPHS LAIR, that's PERFECTLY HIDDEN through the SIDE and TOTALLY NOT HIDDEN AT ALL from ABOVE, so lucky for SPECTRE that SPY SATELLITES dont exist.
INT. STEVE JOBS TRIBUTE ROOM
It was me, Daniel. The author of your pain. Everything is connected.
How exactly? Other than you turning up and saying so, I mean.
IT JUST IS OKAY. You think its a coincidence your complete women turn out dead?
Well not Olga Kurylenko, in truth we still exchange postcards and perform a Skype chat every Christmas. Oh, knowning that Mexican girl on the cold open continues to be alive.
You think youre so smart. But what happens if I teach you both the tape of Leas Dad killing himself?
INT. BRITISH INTELLIGENCE HQ
ANDREW SCOTT dumps WET CEREAL across RALPHS HEAD, then KICKS him in the actual BALLS.
INT. INEVITABLE TORTURE SEQUENCE
DANIEL awakens to get he has been strapped into a DENTISTРІS CHAIR while CHRISTOPH as well as a TOTALLY UNRESTRAINED LEA sit nearby.
Im gonna fry your brain using this type of crazy elaborate dentist drill, hee hee! But do not, the first few attempts will likely be test runs which do utterly no damage.
Jokes you, wanker. Most of my thoughs died from alcohol poisoning a long time ago.
Fine, Ill skip ahead to my big reveal.
My KHAAAANN sorry JOHN ROBIN BLAAAAKE shit MONEYPENNN goddamnit BLOFELD!!! Ernst Stavro Blofeld, back from legal purgatory baby! Sure Im basically Javier Bardems character everywhere again, but IРІm totally Blofeld. I actually have a cat along with a Nehru collar.
Quick obtain the smelling salts, Im soooo stunned.
Oh, not twisty enough? Well IРІm also James BondРІs adopted brother instantly. Yes, by complete coincidence the worldРІs greatest villain and superspy happened for being raised by precisely the same random German ski instructor. Go figure.
Well it's been one big letdown. You donРІt actually have a scar. Lea, if youd oblige?
LEA chucks DANIELS EXPLODING WATCH at CHRISTOPH which TOTALLY KILLS HIM FOR SURE ABSOLUTELY. DANIEL is suddenly FREE i really enjoy seeing and the two ESCAPE by shooting exactly ONE PIPE that can cause literally the ENTIRE BASE to EXPLODE.
Workplace safety standards don't apply to evil desert bases, it appears.
Yup, nothingРІs more villainous than getting your whole base detonate if an individual guard throws a cigarette in the wrong potted plant.
DANIEL and LEA rendezvous with RALPH THE GANG.
Right, time we finally synergy to stop Christoph and Andrew. Step one, lets get separation and manage them separately.
Also, I think nows the best time for it to break on top of you, Daniel, and go wandering some dark alleys while both Big Bads are still within the loose.
Sounds just like a plan! Go team!
CUE: JAMES BOND THEME, HEY REMEMBER WHEN CASINO ROYALE USED THE THEME EXACTLY ONE-AND-A-HALF TIMES? AH, MEMORIES
The SPY TEAM drives out and sure enough a TRUCK smashes into them and GOONS grab DANIEL! The others GET AWAY and go confront ANDREW SCOTT.
Mwah ha, youre too far gone. Look, Ive got a crazy elaborate countdown on the computer screen, nobody has EVER stopped some of those! Weve won!
Not so quickly. You see, by disbanding OUR organization youve made us ALL rogue agents, thus, unstoppable!
You said my codename M stood for Moron. Well now we all know what your codename C symbolizes.
The entire theatre is waiting to suit your needs to say Cunt, you understand that.
Cocksucker? Choad? Cumstain? Crap-chugger? Chickenshit? Colonface?
Gosh, thats all much better than what I came track of. Lets just fight.
RALPH and ANDREW fight like OLD-TIMEY VAUDVILLIANS until ANDREW finally slips using a BANANA PEEL and falls off a LEDGE.
Meanwhile BEN WISHAW does TYPING and deals with all of that surveillance network bullshit.
EXT. OLD BLOWN-UP SECRET AGENT BUILDING
DANIEL kills his GOON CAPTORS and faces your house.
DANIEL follows some giant arrows that lead to your display of CHRISTOPHS EVIL SCRAPBOOKING SKILLS.
Yes yes, its all fucking connected, WE GET IT.
Hey I used to work here. I should know this place in and out, rather than following the arrows I should sneak around to where Christoph wont expect-
Sorry, Im behind bulletproof glass! I guess were postponing our big final mano-a-mano fight a LIIIIITTLE longer, after which keep postponing it, then it never happens. Hey look, I have the Blofeld scar now!
Dont get cocky. You cant think Ill permit you to just Waltz right outside of here OH GOD IM SORRY, IM SO VERY SORRY EVERYONE
Ouch, little brother. Well, the perfect time to blow up the structure that got blown up last movie. Also Leas here somewhere! Im this type of impish rascal, tee hee!! And evil. Pure, menacing evil. Dont forget.
DANIEL finds LEA with MAGIC, plus they FLEE around most but forget to get the MOVIES POV with them and we just stare with a wall for any bit. The building EXPLODES!!
CUE: JAMES BOND THEME, WHY NOT
Oh look, we escaped with a boat we found somewhere? Well we can have once again cut away from your most exciting moment of these sequence, but this time for my final showdown with Christoph! Itll be my marksmanship against his piloting
Oh Im not flying this. Im just being placed in back. Doing nothing.
DANIEL heroically SHOOTS DOWN CHRISTOPH but heroically DOES NOT SHOOT CHRISTOPH.
Well that can it for me. No more spying, thanks. Im out.
Except the first Goldfinger Aston Martin, Id prefer to keep that expensive little bit of government hardware please.
Fuck no, when you are retiring it may be utterly irresponsible people to-
INT. BONUS SCENE - - Q DIVISION - - LATE AT NIGHT
Hard at the office, BEN looks up in surprise.
Oh, 009! I wasnt expecting you, can be bought in.
Okay that didnt happen BUT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN FUCKING AWESOME.
Someone in POST-PRODUCTION realizes they forgot the TRACKING WHITE DOT INTRO thus it gets hastily tacked on without linking to anything.
DANIEL CRAIG trails a VILLAIN to your BUILDING.
Holy shit THATS dull. Hm, Ill put in a Birdman-style looooong tracking shot, and offer Daniel a nameless fucktoy-du-jour to blow off, thatll make it better!
And now an uncommon example of superspy James Bond actually doing a bit of spying.
DANIEL shoots a BOMB which CAUSES THE BUILDING TO EXPLODE and FALL ON HIM, killing HUNDREDS OF INNOCENT PEOPLE IN THE STREETS BELOW most importantly JAMES BOND SURVIVES!
Welp, appears to be my work the following is done.
The BAD GUY gets within a HELICOPTER!
Ah, the classic Bond-villain mistake: providing grounds to use my unparalleled vehicular-mayhem powers!
DANIEL kicks the BAD GUY from the HELICOPTER, and therefore the PILOT as they is an IDIOT, but on the last second DANIEL remembers he or she is of course a BRILLIANT HELICOPTER PILOT and smoothly flies off in to the INTRO SEQUENCE.
The standard-issue IMPRESSIONISTIC TITLE SEQUENCE gets spiced with some CREEPY TENTACLE PORN to see if youre attending to.
All that old tropes are suffocating;
We pray good casting will prevail;
INT. RALPH FIENNESS OFFICE
Sorry that totally accidental movie-opening action set piece, sir. Wont happen again. Seriously, next movie Im fucking done.
Oh God, really? You werent upon an official mission, youre going rogue? Why does every fucking spy movie nowadays should be going rogue and the agencys destroyed or whatnot? The organizing portion of spy organizations is IMPORTANT, DAMMIT!!
Fuck it, whatever. Heres the brand new government guy, hes Andrew Scott who played Moriarty on Sherlock and is particularly obviously evil.
And heres your brand-new assignment. I hope you saw Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation, because it is the exact same fucking plot though a less interesting female lead. Yay us!
Suddenly NAOMIE MONEYPENNY HARRIS seems to PRY HERSELF over SECRETARY DESK she was GLUED TO in the end of the past movie.
Daniel, youre back! I have a package to suit your needs, its various items of SKYFALL which were burnt and torn and thrown randomly in a very box, a shockingly similar process to how this movie was written.
Thanks. You should know, Judi Dench left me a video praoclaiming that killing Mexico Bad Guy would eliminate the head of SPECTRE. Why she didnt mention that when she was alive is just not for mere mortals like us to be aware of.
INT. Q DIVISION - NEXT MORNING
DANIEL CRAIGS SMUG-ASS SMIRK saunters into Q DIVISION and in the end the REST OF DANIEL CRAIG follows suit.
Ah, bam !, 007. Im about to inject nanobots into the blood therefore we can track your movements, and inject another dose in your sperm and we all can track wholl need therapy and/or funeral arrangements.
Nice. Can I require a few syringes of these to inject my enemies with? Itd be awesome to find out exactly where they can be at all times. In case, say, they sneak to the same train as me.
Dont be silly. Now over here's an awesome new car which you also cant have. But you DO understand this watch. The alarms somewhat loud, once you learn what I mean.
I do. In fact, through your inflection Ive determined what it does, the best way to arm it, plus what the delay timer is determined to. Now could you mind not tracking me during their visit?
I cant, Id be going against direct orders and may even be found responsible for treason and-
To repay BEN for his loyalty, and observe after his cover of just biding his time following orders, DANIEL proceeds to STEAL THE FUCK from the NEW EXPENSIVE SPY CAR that also advances his third goal of BEING A TOTAL FUCKING ASSHOLE.
DANIEL travels to MEXICO BAD GUYS funeral and finds MONICA BELLUCCI!
A Bond Girl whos actually pretty near to James Bonds age? Intriguing. So, would you come here often?
To my husbands funeral? Get lost, you Patrick Bateman motherfucker.
MONICA goes home and stands by her POOL. Two HITMEN appear behind her!
Um, so are we really not meant to notice Daniel Craig standing directly between us, out in the open?
I should hate you. With my better half dead, gaming is now forfeit. Of course my killers helpfully waited soon you could get here, yet still.
Well then. Youve got silly not to figure out everything, so remember to.
Of course. Heres and you'll discover the people that wanted me dead.
Cut! Great work guys. Now perform scene again, with the identical line readings and facial expressions, but in addition fuck.
INT. SECRET SPOOKY SPECTRE SUMMIT
DANIEL flashes the SPECTRE RING he took from THE GUY SPECTRE KNOWS IS DEAD and walks to the meeting happening.
So to conclude, Operation Starbucks Sacrilege and Operation Baby Hitler are very well on schedule. Whats next about the agenda?
We need you to definitely replace Mexico Bad Guy as Head of Latin American Evil. The position requires superior organizational skills, extensive criminal contacts, and long-term strategic planning ability, therefore anyone interested could submit their resume to-
We werent expecting you, Mr. Blofeld! Welcome to-
What?! No! Im totally not Blofeld why might you think Im Blofeld i'm michael duivis Franz Deutschland Volkswagon the Third I dont know who Blofeld is thats silly.
Hmm, an acclaimed villain actor enters the James Bond franchise because shadowy head of SPECTRE, exactly the same year the rights to the Blofeld character reverted to MGM. Who might you possibly be?
What I am, is thrilled that Daniel walked into our trap! Get him!!
DANIEL demolishes TWO RANDOM GOOBERS and runs towards his TOTALLY UNGUARDED CAR even though some OTHER GOONS shoot at him from SEVEN HUNDRED FEET AWAY.
What can I say, we suck at traps.
Why are the guards even seeking to shoot me when you have an elaborate prefer to keep me alive?
I dunno, why are you running away when youre likely to walk right back into my lair later?
I think we understand the answer to BOTH those questions is the fact we need a prolonged car commercial, er, chase.
DANIEL DRIVES OFF! DAVE BAUTISTA DRIVES AFTER HIM! DANIEL DRIVES and DAVE DRIVES and in addition they DRIVE AND DRIVE AND DRIVE and drive and drive and drive and drive whilst driving and drive and drive even more until finally DANIEL calls up NAOMIE beyond sheer fucking boredom.
Please identify youre doing something more interesting, like cooking dinner or watching ice melt.
Ill fare best than that! By giving you new information mid-chase, we are able to distract the crowd from knowing the location where the hell I got it from!
DANIEL tries various GIMMICKS in the CAR which do NOTHING, right until working his way to your EJECT BUTTON which promises a REALLY COOL CHASE-ENDING STUNT but sadly DIRECTOR SAM MENDES chooses that moment to observe GODZILLA 2014 and we cut away without actually seeing the large payoff.
INT. BRITISH INTELLIGENCE HQ
Bwah ha ha. Soon these nine countries will vote to mix our spy networks, that will be under my control i really enjoy seeing.
Dammit Andrew. Our single-country unaccountable shadow surveillance network is necessary for safety and democracy and puppies and cake. But your NINE-country unaccountable shadow surveillance network is pure festering shit-stained evil. Me and Ben and Naomie, whorrrre apparently the only real three those who actually DO anything around here, will eradicate you.
OH COME ON, HES NOT EVEN HERE FOR CHRISSAKE
DANIEL, who's got somehow acquired a BOAT along with a NEW OUTFIT, travels to the cabin NAOMIE told him about. It is packed with CAMERAS and SURVEILLANCE EQUIPMENT as well as MR WHITE on the WORST DANIEL CRAIG BOND FILM.
Oh crap, you again? Please identify I don't possess to remember what went down in Quantum of fucking Solace.
Listen Daniel, you should keep my daughter safe and from all this. Ill explain to you where to locate her, she'll lead you to something called Lamericain.
Of course I also really know what Lamericain is, and where it can be, and just what you have to find there. So I could just let you know that leave my daughter outside of this completely. But, yknow.
Am I seriously likely to pretend that I think Lamericain offers some assholes name, when it's obviously the category of some cafe or hotel somewhere called LAmericain? There is nobody called Lamericain anywhere on Earth.
Damn. With his dying breath he trusted me in reference to his daughters safety. Guess I should take two minutes to destroy the tapes downstairs because of the info on them.
INT. SUPER EXCLUSIVE HEALTH MOUNTAINTOP SKI TREATMENT HEALTH SPA MEDICAL CLEANSE HEALTH RESORT WHATNOT PLACE HEALTH
DANIEL occurs in the office of LEA SEYDOUX.
Thanks for writing this enormous assream of forms, Mr. Bond.
No problem. And now to thoroughly blow my cover, making everything that time I spent writing forms a full waste.
Fuck you plus the daddy issues you rode in on! My Dad abandoned me to become evil, but Im not evil and hate him, but I also resent him for leaving me, so you didnt kill him once you had the opportunity but you could possibly also killed him and FUCK YOU I HAVE DEPTH!
DANIEL goes trying to find HARD LIQUOR on the HEALTH JUICE BAR because LOOK VODKA COMES FROM POTATOES AND GRAINS AND SHIT OKAY, IT MIGHT WORK, I NEEDS ME THAH SWEET SWEET SAUCE
One martini, shaken not stirred.
Uh, shall we be doing almost any spin or re-interpretation or anything on that?
Fuck no. Weve reached the stage where Bond unexpected things happen just because Bond things are likely to happen.
Surprise, its me! I tracked you down with the nanoblood. Though the fact you cunningly signed into this clinic under YOUR OWN NAME can have done equally efficiently. Now listen, 007, you have to abandon this foolishness or perhaps the full weight of Her Majestys Government will-
Theres someone called Lamericain which I KNOW I KNOW ITS STAGGERINGLY OBVIOUSLY A CAFE OR HOTEL SOMEWHERE but please help me pretend it's just not? Also can you analyze this SPECTRE membership ring that appears like it got their start in a Goths junk drawer circa 1993.
My God, somehow this ring links on the DNA of each and every villain from the very last three movies, even Quantum which is a person instead of a group, or something like that?!? Oh and all sorts of the DNA links to Christoph Waltz too, what are the hell were they been doing on this ring?!? Is this SPECTREs version on the toothbrush prank?
Wait, Bautista and a few goons just grabbed Lea! Its chase time!!
DANIEL steals a PLANE and merely KEEPS CRASHING THE FUCK OUT OF IT until DANIEL WINS!!
Wow, everyones dead or comatose except me!
Guess I should take two minutes to be certain all the criminals are finished off.
totes dead and completely not planning to reappear with this picture OH WAIT HES WAKING UP DUN DUN DUN!
EXT. HOT CLIMATE CITY SO AS TO CONTRAST WITH PREVIOUS COLD CLIMATE LOCATION
Youd believe almost dying from poisoned booze in Casino Royale would teach you not to ever randomly drink shit you find in a very villains hideout.
Now because your Dad wanted us in the future here, and discover the information we'd like to help keep you safe, obviously he ALSO mentioned the actual key room.
Of course! It would be fucktacularly idiotic if he didnt.
They makes use of the SECRET ROOM to obtain the location with the SPECTRE HIDEOUT!
INT. BRITISH INTELLIGENCE HQ
ANDREW SCOTT disbands RALPHS entire spy organization, SHITS in their TEA, and rigs his NETFLIX account showing only WRATH OF THE TITANS.
INT. TRAIN EN ROUTE TO SUPER SECRET SPECTRE SANCTUARY - - DINING CAR
DANIEL in the FANCY NEW FITTED TUX meets with LEA in her own ELEGANT NEW EVENING GOWN.
No really, the place that the hell are typical these clothes from?
Welcome. Todays special is salmon truffle fettucine using a white wine demiglaze. The soup is leek and onion, but perhaps I can first provide an amuse-bouche of DAVE BAUTISTA WAILING ON YOUR SORRY ASS
DAVE BAUTISTA rushes in and WAILS ON DANIEL CRAIGS SORRY ASS, demolishing HALF THE TRAIN without the other PASSENGERS or CREW getting back in the way or noticing or giving a shit or existing. Finally LEA SHOOTS him, giving DANIEL the perfect time to attach DAVE with a BARRELS that turn a CRANK that turns a GEAR that knocks over the BUCKET which hits a BATHTUB that pivots a SEESAW that drops a CAGE that THROWS DAVE OFF THE TRAIN!
I am Groot. Wait, shit, thats not-
Weve gone too much time without fucking! Someone fuck!
How concerning this Lea? Care to re-enact Blue may be the Warmest Color?
Consider my Safe Search off!
EXT. DESOLATE DESERT TRAIN STATION - NEXT MORNING
CRAIG and LEA casually disembark together with their brand new nine-piece luggage set.
Wait wait wait we've got LUGGAGE?!? Where and how and why then when did we obtain fucking LUGGAGE?!
A CAR arrives and takes those to CHRISTOPHS LAIR, that's PERFECTLY HIDDEN from your SIDE and TOTALLY NOT HIDDEN AT ALL from ABOVE, so lucky for SPECTRE that SPY SATELLITES dont exist.
INT. STEVE JOBS TRIBUTE ROOM
It was me, Daniel. The author of most your pain. Everything is connected.
How exactly? Other than you appearing and saying so, I mean.
IT JUST IS OKAY. You think its a coincidence your entire women find yourself dead?
Well not Olga Kurylenko, the truth is we still exchange postcards and perform a Skype chat every Christmas. Oh, which Mexican girl on the cold open continues to be alive.
You think youre so smart. But let's say I teach you both the tape of Leas Dad killing himself?
INT. BRITISH INTELLIGENCE HQ
ANDREW SCOTT dumps WET CEREAL across RALPHS HEAD, then KICKS him in the BALLS.
INT. INEVITABLE TORTURE SEQUENCE
DANIEL awakens to discover he has been strapped to your DENTISTS CHAIR while CHRISTOPH as well as a TOTALLY UNRESTRAINED LEA sit nearby.
Im likely to fry your brain using this type of crazy elaborate dentist drill, hee hee! But do not, the first few attempts will probably be test runs which do utterly no damage.
Jokes you, wanker. Most of my thoughs died from alcohol poisoning years back.
Fine, Ill skip ahead to my big reveal.
My KHAAAANN sorry JOHN ROBIN BLAAAAKE shit MONEYPENNN goddamnit BLOFELD!!! Ernst Stavro Blofeld, back from legal purgatory baby! Sure Im basically Javier Bardems character around again, but Im totally Blofeld. I actually have a cat and also a Nehru collar.
Quick receive the smelling salts, Im soooo stunned.
Oh, not twisty enough? Well Im also James Bonds adopted brother instantly. Yes, by complete coincidence the worlds greatest villain and superspy happened for being raised by a similar random German ski instructor. Go figure.
Well it's been one big letdown. You dont actually have a scar. Lea, if youd oblige?
LEA chucks DANIELS EXPLODING WATCH at CHRISTOPH which TOTALLY KILLS HIM FOR SURE ABSOLUTELY. DANIEL is suddenly FREE i really enjoy seeing and the two ESCAPE by shooting exactly ONE PIPE which in turn causes literally the ENTIRE BASE to EXPLODE.
Workplace safety standards usually do not apply to evil desert bases, it seems like.
Yup, nothings more villainous than getting the whole base detonate if a person guard throws a cigarette in to the wrong potted plant.
DANIEL and LEA rendezvous with RALPH THE GANG.
Right, time we finally form teams to stop Christoph and Andrew. Step one, lets get separate and cope with them separately.
Also, I think nows the best time and energy to break on top of you, Daniel, and go wandering some dark alleys while both Big Bads are still about the loose.
Sounds such as a plan! Go team!
CUE: JAMES BOND THEME, HEY REMEMBER WHEN CASINO ROYALE USED THE THEME EXACTLY ONE-AND-A-HALF TIMES? AH, MEMORIES
The SPY TEAM drives out and sure enough a TRUCK smashes into them and GOONS grab DANIEL! The others GET AWAY and go confront ANDREW SCOTT.
Mwah ha, youre far too late. Look, Ive got a crazy elaborate countdown with a computer screen, nobody has EVER stopped among those! Weve won!
Not so quickly. You see, by disbanding OUR organization youve made us ALL rogue agents, thus, unstoppable!
You said my codename M stood for Moron. Well now we realize what your codename C means.
The entire theatre is waiting available for you to say Cunt, you realize.
Cocksucker? Choad? Cumstain? Crap-chugger? Chickenshit? Colonface?
Gosh, thats all much better than what I came track of. Lets just fight.
RALPH and ANDREW fight like OLD-TIMEY VAUDVILLIANS until ANDREW finally slips with a BANANA PEEL and falls off a LEDGE.
Meanwhile BEN WISHAW does TYPING and deals with all of that surveillance network bullshit.
EXT. OLD BLOWN-UP SECRET AGENT BUILDING
DANIEL kills his GOON CAPTORS and faces your building.
DANIEL follows some giant arrows that lead with a display of CHRISTOPHS EVIL SCRAPBOOKING SKILLS.
Yes yes, its all fucking connected, WE GET IT.
Hey I used to work here. I should know this place inside and outside, rather than following the arrows I should sneak around to where Christoph wont expect-
Sorry, Im behind bulletproof glass! I guess were postponing our big final mano-a-mano fight simply a LIIIIITTLE longer, then keep postponing it, then it never happens. Hey look, I have the Blofeld scar now!
Dont get cocky. You cant think Ill help you just Waltz right away from here OH GOD IM SORRY, IM SO VERY SORRY EVERYONE
Ouch, little brother. Well, time and energy to blow up your building that got blown up last movie. Also Leas here somewhere! Im this type of impish rascal, tee hee!! And evil. Pure, menacing evil. Dont forget.
DANIEL finds LEA with MAGIC, and they also FLEE around a large part but forget to create the MOVIES POV with them and we all just stare in a wall to get a bit. The building EXPLODES!!
CUE: JAMES BOND THEME, WHY NOT
Oh look, we escaped with a boat we found somewhere? Well we can have once again cut away in the most exciting moment of the sequence, but this time for my final showdown with Christoph! Itll be my marksmanship against his piloting
Oh Im not flying this. Im just soaking in back. Doing nothing.
DANIEL heroically SHOOTS DOWN CHRISTOPH however heroically DOES NOT SHOOT CHRISTOPH.
Well that will it for me. No more spying, thanks. Im out.
Except an original Goldfinger Aston Martin, Id wish to keep that expensive bit of government hardware please.
Fuck no, when you are retiring it might be utterly irresponsible folks to-
INT. BONUS SCENE - - Q DIVISION - - LATE AT NIGHT
Hard in the office, BEN looks up in surprise.
Oh, 009! I wasnt expecting you, purchased in.
Okay that didnt happen BUT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN FUCKING AWESOME.
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