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Someone in POST-PRODUCTION realizes they forgot the TRACKING WHITE DOT INTRO therefore it gets hastily tacked on without linking to anything.
DANIEL CRAIG trails a VILLAIN with a BUILDING.
Holy shit THATS dull. Hm, Ill include a Birdman-style looooong tracking shot, and provide Daniel a nameless fucktoy-du-jour to blow off, thatll repair it!
And now a hard-to-find example of superspy James Bond actually performing some spying.
DANIEL shoots a BOMB which CAUSES THE BUILDING TO EXPLODE and FALL ON HIM, killing HUNDREDS OF INNOCENT PEOPLE IN THE STREETS BELOW but a majority of importantly JAMES BOND SURVIVES!
Welp, appears like my work this is done.
The BAD GUY gets within a HELICOPTER!
Ah, the classic Bond-villain mistake: providing reasons to use my unparalleled vehicular-mayhem powers!
DANIEL kicks the BAD GUY out from the HELICOPTER, and so the PILOT while he is an IDIOT, but for the last second DANIEL remembers he's of course a BRILLIANT HELICOPTER PILOT and smoothly flies off in to the INTRO SEQUENCE.
The standard-issue IMPRESSIONISTIC TITLE SEQUENCE gets spiced on top of some CREEPY TENTACLE PORN in order to see if youre focus.
All the existing tropes are suffocating;
We pray good casting will prevail;
INT. RALPH FIENNESS OFFICE
Sorry with that totally accidental movie-opening action set piece, sir. Wont happen again. Seriously, after that movie Im fucking done.
Oh God, really? You werent while on an official mission, youre going rogue? Why does every fucking spy movie nowadays ought to be going rogue or perhaps the agencys destroyed or whatnot? The organizing component of spy organizations is IMPORTANT, DAMMIT!!
Fuck it, whatever. Heres the revolutionary government guy, hes Andrew Scott who played Moriarty on Sherlock which is obviously evil.
And heres your assignment. I hope you saw Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation, because it will be the exact same fucking plot though with a less interesting female lead. Yay us!
Suddenly NAOMIE MONEYPENNY HARRIS seems to PRY HERSELF over SECRETARY DESK she was GLUED TO on the end of the final movie.
Daniel, youre back! I have a package to suit your needs, its various bits of SKYFALL which are burnt and torn and thrown randomly in a very box, a shockingly similar process to how this movie was written.
Thanks. You should know, Judi Dench left me a video praoclaiming that killing Mexico Bad Guy would get rid of the head of SPECTRE. Why she didnРІt mention that when she was alive just isn't for mere mortals like us to learn.
INT. Q DIVISION - NEXT MORNING
DANIEL CRAIGS SMUG-ASS SMIRK saunters into Q DIVISION and at last the REST OF DANIEL CRAIG follows suit.
Ah, bam !, 007. Im gonna inject nanobots into the blood and we all can track your movements, and inject another dose in your sperm therefore we can track wholl need therapy and/or funeral arrangements.
Nice. Can I require a few syringes of their to inject my enemies with? Itd be awesome to find out exactly where they can be at all times. In case, say, they sneak to the same train as me.
Dont be silly. Now over the following is an awesome new car which you also cant have. But you DO understand this watch. The alarms just a little loud, once you learn what I mean.
I do. In fact, from the inflection Ive identified what it does, the way to arm it, and in addition what the delay timer is determined to. Now could you mind not tracking me for a holiday?
I cant, Id be going against direct orders and can be found doing treason and-
To repay BEN for his loyalty, and keep his cover of just biding his time following orders, DANIEL proceeds to STEAL THE FUCK out from the NEW EXPENSIVE SPY CAR which advances his third goal of BEING A TOTAL FUCKING ASSHOLE.
DANIEL would go to MEXICO BAD GUYS funeral and finds MONICA BELLUCCI!
A Bond Girl whos actually pretty in close proximity to James Bonds age? Intriguing. So, will you come here often?
To my husbands funeral? Get lost, you Patrick Bateman motherfucker.
MONICA goes home and stands by her POOL. Two HITMEN appear behind her!
Um, shall we be held really not likely to notice Daniel Craig standing directly between us, out in the open?
I should hate you. With my partner dead, playing is now forfeit. Of course my killers helpfully waited unless you could get here, but nonetheless.
Well then. Youve got silly not to figure out everything, so remember to.
Of course. Heres to purchase the people that wanted me dead.
Cut! Great work guys. Now perform the scene again, with a similar line readings and facial expressions, but fuck.
INT. SECRET SPOOKY SPECTRE SUMMIT
DANIEL flashes the SPECTRE RING he took from THE GUY SPECTRE KNOWS IS DEAD and walks into your meeting beginning.
So finally, Operation Starbucks Sacrilege and Operation Baby Hitler are very on schedule. Whats next around the agenda?
We need anyone to replace Mexico Bad Guy as Head of Latin American Evil. The position requires superior organizational skills, extensive criminal contacts, and long-term strategic planning ability, therefore if anyone interested could submit their resume to-
We werent expecting you, Mr. Blofeld! Welcome to-
What?! No! IРІm totally not Blofeld why could you think IРІm Blofeld i'm michael duivis Franz Deutschland Volkswagon the Third I donРІt know who Blofeld is thatРІs silly.
Hmm, an acclaimed villain actor enters the James Bond franchise since the shadowy head of SPECTRE, precisely the same year the protection under the law to the Blofeld character reverted to MGM. Who can you possibly be?
What I am, is thrilled that Daniel walked into our trap! Get him!!
DANIEL demolishes TWO RANDOM GOOBERS and runs towards his TOTALLY UNGUARDED CAR even though some OTHER GOONS shoot at him from SEVEN HUNDRED FEET AWAY.
What can I say, we suck at traps.
Why will be the guards even seeking to shoot me should you have an elaborate intend to keep me alive?
I dunno, why are you running away when youre planning to walk right back into my lair later?
I think could the answer to BOTH those questions is we need a lengthy car commercial, er, chase.
DANIEL DRIVES OFF! DAVE BAUTISTA DRIVES AFTER HIM! DANIEL DRIVES and DAVE DRIVES and they also DRIVE AND DRIVE AND DRIVE and drive and drive and drive and drive whilst driving and drive and drive more until finally DANIEL calls up NAOMIE from sheer fucking boredom.
Please inform me youre doing something more interesting, like cooking dinner or watching ice melt.
Ill learn better than that! By giving you new information mid-chase, we could distract the crowd from knowing the location where the hell I got it from!
DANIEL tries various GIMMICKS in the CAR which do NOTHING, before working his way on the EJECT BUTTON which promises a REALLY COOL CHASE-ENDING STUNT but sadly DIRECTOR SAM MENDES chooses that moment to look at GODZILLA 2014 and we all cut away without actually seeing the fundamental payoff.
INT. BRITISH INTELLIGENCE HQ
Bwah ha ha. Soon these nine countries will vote to blend our spy networks, that will be under my control i really enjoy seeing.
Dammit Andrew. Our single-country unaccountable shadow surveillance network is important for safety and democracy and puppies and cake. But your NINE-country unaccountable shadow surveillance network is pure festering shit-stained evil. Me and Ben and Naomie, who're apparently the one three individuals who actually DO anything around here, will eradicate you.
OH COME ON, HES NOT EVEN HERE FOR CHRISSAKE
DANIEL, that has somehow acquired a BOAT as well as a NEW OUTFIT, visits the cabin NAOMIE told him about. It is brimming with CAMERAS and SURVEILLANCE EQUIPMENT as well as MR WHITE on the WORST DANIEL CRAIG BOND FILM.
Oh crap, you again? Please figure out I do not possess to remember so what happened in Quantum of fucking Solace.
Listen Daniel, you have to keep my daughter safe and far from all this. Ill let you know where to find her, she'll lead you to something called Lamericain.
Of course I also really know what Lamericain is, and where it's, and what what you would like to find there. So I could just explain to you that leaving my daughter away from this completely. But, yknow.
Am I seriously meant to pretend that I think Lamericain is a few assholes name, when it truly is obviously the domain name of some cafe or hotel somewhere called LAmericain? There is nobody called Lamericain anywhere on Earth.
Damn. With his dying breath he trusted me regarding his daughters safety. Guess I should take two minutes to destroy the tapes downstairs because of the info on them.
INT. SUPER EXCLUSIVE HEALTH MOUNTAINTOP SKI TREATMENT HEALTH SPA MEDICAL CLEANSE HEALTH RESORT WHATNOT PLACE HEALTH
DANIEL can be seen in the office of LEA SEYDOUX.
Thanks for writing this enormous assream of forms, Mr. Bond.
No problem. And now to thoroughly blow my cover, making everything time I spent completing forms an overall waste.
Fuck you and the daddy issues you rode in on! My Dad abandoned me to become evil, but Im not evil and hate him, but I also resent him for leaving me, and you also didnt kill him whenever you had the opportunity but perhaps you also killed him and FUCK YOU I HAVE DEPTH!
DANIEL goes in search of HARD LIQUOR in the HEALTH JUICE BAR because LOOK VODKA COMES FROM POTATOES AND GRAINS AND SHIT OKAY, IT MIGHT WORK, I NEEDS ME THAH SWEET SWEET SAUCE
One martini, shaken not stirred.
Uh, shall we be held doing virtually any spin or re-interpretation or anything on that?
Fuck no. Weve reached where Bond unexpected things happen just because Bond things are meant to happen.
Surprise, its me! I tracked you down using your nanoblood. Though the fact you cunningly signed into this clinic under YOUR OWN NAME can have done as well. Now listen, 007, you'll need to abandon this foolishness or even the full weight of Her Majestys Government will-
Theres someone called Lamericain which I KNOW I KNOW ITS STAGGERINGLY OBVIOUSLY A CAFE OR HOTEL SOMEWHERE but please help me pretend it is just not? Also is it possible you analyze this SPECTRE membership ring that seems like it originated in a Goths junk drawer circa 1993.
My God, somehow this ring links to your DNA of the villain from the final three movies, even Quantum which is actually a person instead of a group, as well?!? Oh and all of the DNA links to Christoph Waltz too, what are the hell dermatologist been doing using this ring?!? Is this SPECTREs version from the toothbrush prank?
Wait, Bautista and a few goons just grabbed Lea! Its chase time!!
DANIEL steals a PLANE and KEEPS CRASHING THE FUCK OUT OF IT until DANIEL WINS!!
Wow, everyones dead or comatose except me!
Guess I should take two minutes to create sure each of the bad guys are finished off.
totes dead and completely not about to reappear with this picture OH WAIT HES WAKING UP DUN DUN DUN!
EXT. HOT CLIMATE CITY SO AS TO CONTRAST WITH PREVIOUS COLD CLIMATE LOCATION
Youd believe almost dying from poisoned booze in Casino Royale would teach you to not randomly drink shit you find within a villains hideout.
Now because your Dad wanted us in the future here, and locate the information we want to stop you safe, obviously he ALSO mentioned the trick room.
Of course! It would be fucktacularly idiotic if he didnt.
They makes use of the SECRET ROOM to obtain the location in the SPECTRE HIDEOUT!
ANDREW SCOTT disbands RALPHS entire spy organization, SHITS within his TEA, and rigs his NETFLIX account to exhibit only WRATH OF THE TITANS.
INT. TRAIN EN ROUTE TO SUPER SECRET SPECTRE SANCTUARY - - DINING CAR
DANIEL as part of his FANCY NEW FITTED TUX meets with LEA in their ELEGANT NEW EVENING GOWN.
No really, the location where the hell are common these clothes from?
Welcome. Todays special is salmon truffle fettucine having a white wine demiglaze. The soup is leek and onion, but perhaps I can first produce an amuse-bouche of DAVE BAUTISTA WAILING ON YOUR SORRY ASS
DAVE BAUTISTA rushes in and WAILS ON DANIEL CRAIGS SORRY ASS, demolishing HALF THE TRAIN without the other PASSENGERS or CREW getting into the way or noticing or giving a shit or existing. Finally LEA SHOOTS him, giving DANIEL time for you to attach DAVE to many BARRELS that turn a CRANK that turns a GEAR that knocks more than a BUCKET which hits a BATHTUB that pivots a SEESAW that drops a CAGE that THROWS DAVE OFF THE TRAIN!
I am Groot. Wait, shit, thats not-
Weve gone long without fucking! Someone fuck!
How concerning this Lea? Care to re-enact Blue could be the Warmest Color?
Consider my Safe Search off!
EXT. DESOLATE DESERT TRAIN STATION - NEXT MORNING
CRAIG and LEA casually disembark and their brand new nine-piece luggage set.
Wait wait wait we've LUGGAGE?!? Where and how and why when did we obtain fucking LUGGAGE?!
A CAR arrives and takes those to CHRISTOPHS LAIR, that's PERFECTLY HIDDEN in the SIDE and TOTALLY NOT HIDDEN AT ALL from ABOVE, so lucky for SPECTRE that SPY SATELLITES dont exist.
INT. STEVE JOBS TRIBUTE ROOM
It was me, Daniel. The author coming from all your pain. Everything is connected.
How exactly? Other than you turning up and saying so, I mean.
IT JUST IS OKAY. You think its a coincidence all of your women find yourself dead?
Well not Olga Kurylenko, in reality we still exchange postcards and perform Skype chat every Christmas. Oh, knowning that Mexican girl on the cold open continues to be alive.